Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Back of the Ticket

From the back of the Washington Nationals Baseball ticket for May 15, 2009. Footnotes added.

By the use of this ticket, the ticket holder agrees that: (a) he or she shall not transmit or aid in transmitting any information about the game or related activities to which it grants admission,a including, but not limited to,b any account,c description, picture,d video,e audio,f reproductiong or other information concerning the game or related activitiesh (the Game Information); (b) the Club issuing the ticket is the exclusive owner of all copyrights and other proprietary rights in the game, related activities,i and Game Information; and (c) the participating Clubs, Major League Baseball Properties, Inc., Major League Baseball Enterprises, Inc., MLB Advanced Media, L.P. and each of their respective affiliates, licensees and agents shall have the perpetualj and unrestricted right and license to use his or her name,k image, likenessl and/or voicem in any broadcast, telecast, photograph, video and/or sound recordingn taken in connection with the game for all purposes and in all mediao known and unknownp throughout the universe.q Breach of any of the above will automatically terminate this license and may result in further legal action.r

aSo if you sneak into the game, you can do any of these things?

bDon't worry, we'll think of other things later

cWhich is why I can't actually tell you about the game

dNo snapping pictures with your cell phone

eRemember Sonny ripping the film from the camera? Applies here, too.

fThe cell phone conversation, where you called your wife to tell her the game was going into extra innings? Verboten

gEven with sock puppets

hSuch as the young woman bouncing up and down three rows in front of you

iThis includes all bubble gum, sunflower seed shells, and tobacco wads spit out by players during the game

jOne of the five people you meet in heaven will be an MLB Lawyer. Oh wait, if there's a lawyer there …

krcjhawk will now forever be associated with the Washington National Baseball Club

lWell, I don't suppose they'll be using my likeness, but that woman three rows down …

mI have been told that I have a voice made for blogging.

nWait! We left out Leroy Neiman pantings!!!

oWhew. For a moment I'd thought we'd left a loophole.

pJust in case sending pictures via DNA encoding ever becomes popular

qAt least on Arcturus they don't complain about us calling our championship the World Series

rA century from now, if we find you put a picture of this game in a scrapbook, we'll exhume your body, drag it to the site of the Spanking-Brand-New Washington Nationals of Boise Park, and cast it out through the front gate. Then we'll sue your heirs.