The Back of the Ticket

From the back of the Washington Nationals Baseball ticket for May 15, 2009. Footnotes added.

By the use of this ticket, the ticket holder agrees that: (a) he or she shall not transmit or aid in transmitting any information about the game or related activities to which it grants admission,^a including, but not limited to,^b any account,^c description, picture,^d video,^e audio,^f reproduction^g or other information concerning the game or related activities^h (the Game Information); (b) the Club issuing the ticket is the exclusive owner of all copyrights and other proprietary rights in the game, related activities,ⁱ and Game Information; and (c) the participating Clubs, Major League Baseball Properties, Inc., Major League Baseball Enterprises, Inc., MLB Advanced Media, L.P. and each of their respective affiliates, licensees and agents shall have the perpetual^j and unrestricted right and license to use his or her name,^k image, likeness^l and/or voice^m in any broadcast, telecast, photograph, video and/or sound recordingⁿ taken in connection with the game for all purposes and in all media^o known and unknown^p throughout the universe.^q Breach of any of the above will automatically terminate this license and may result in further legal action.^r

^aSo if you sneak into the game, you can do any of these things?

^bDon't worry, we'll think of other things later

^cWhich is why I can't actually tell you about the game

^dNo snapping pictures with your cell phone

^eRemember Sonny ripping the film from the camera? Applies here, too.

^fThe cell phone conversation, where you called your wife to tell her the game was going into extra innings? Verboten

^gEven with sock puppets

^hSuch as the young woman bouncing up and down three rows in front of you

ⁱThis includes all bubble gum, sunflower seed shells, and tobacco wads spit out by players during the game

^jOne of the five people you meet in heaven will be an MLB Lawyer. Oh wait, if there's a lawyer there …

^krcjhawk will now forever be associated with the Washington National Baseball Club

^lWell, I don't suppose they'll be using my likeness, but that woman three rows down …

^mI have been told that I have a voice made for blogging.

ⁿWait! We left out Leroy Neiman pantings!!!

^oWhew. For a moment I'd thought we'd left a loophole.

^pJust in case sending pictures via DNA encoding ever becomes popular

^qAt least on Arcturus they don't complain about us calling our championship the World Series

^rA century from now, if we find you put a picture of this game in a scrapbook, we'll exhume your body, drag it to the site of the Spanking-Brand-New Washington Nationals of Boise Park, and cast it out through the front gate. Then we'll sue your heirs.