Saturday, December 10, 2005

In Case of My Untimely Demise

You've met our cats ( here, too).

The white one has it in for me. If I shuffle off of this mortal coil under suspicious circumstances, he did it.


We've had these cats since before we moved to the current house. In the old house, they were well behaved. That is, they never got in anyone's way as we walked around the house.

The old house was a large Levitt Cape Cod with a finished second floor. To go from upstairs to downstairs you went from a bedroom or the bathroom into a small alcove, and then proceeded down the stairs. The walls of the alcove were close-in, so you could always catch yourself if you tripped at the top of the steps. A cat in front of you had just better get out of the way.

Our new house is a "raised ranch," with the stairs out in the middle of the living room. If you trip, there's little to stop you except for a banister which is possibly made out of something resembling wood. The cat immediately saw his chance.

When I head down the steps, the white one likes to follow — well, not exactly follow. He starts from behind me, true, but he then runs in front of me. Very close in front of me, so that I have to stop. The more I'm carrying, the finer he cuts it — for laundry he gets within a foot, if I'm holding a computer he gets within six inches or so.

Today, I was heading down the stairs. As I came off the landing, I instinctively stopped, one foot in midair, waiting for the cat to come by.

He wasn't there. I almost lost my balance and crashed through the front door at the bottom of the stairs.

He's trying to kill me.


Anonymous said...

My cat story is better. I walk my friend's cat when he goes on vacation (go to their house, refill it's food/water/litter, etc. I call it walking the cat..)

So, given that it IS a cat, it is a psychotic sociopath. It rubs against your leg, purrrrrrring, so sweet, so adorable. And then TWIST SLASH CLAW GNASH TEAR RIP! My hand is covered with the blood of a thousand wounds.
Needless to say, it didn't get fed that day.

So the next day, (they were gone for a week) I come over, and ignore all of it's fake pleas for attention. I'm walking down the stairs, and it does the cutting infront of me thing. It leaps infront of my foot everytime I take a step. However, this cat is somewhat less graceful than the standard feline, and it misses a step. About 10 steps up the stairwell, it goes to dart infront of me, and two of her paws miss the step.

The bloody cat goes tumbling like a log down the stairs, slams into the wall at the bottom, leap about thirty feet down the hallway and tears off, not to be seen for three days.

That was last year.

This year, I am wary of it's advances, but I pity it. It's alone in the house for 23.5 hours a day, for a week. I pet it. It cuts me. I push it away, and go to change it's water.
As I'm filling up the water dish at the bathroom sink, it leaps up on the toilet to watch, as cats are wont to do. I figure it feels bad, and just wants to play, so I don't push it down or anything.

I finish filling up the water bowl, and as I reach to turn the water off, it puts it's nose down, pushes forward, and flicks it's neck up, causing the full water bowl to splash /all/ over me. And then it had the most demonic smile I've ever seen on a cat, and it ran off and hid.

It didn't get fresh water that day.